I've never thought that doing something helps because I always thought it would make you stress even more. But ever since well....If you read my last post you'll understand. But, ever since the...."Incident" I haven't done much...

But, today I got my lazy ass out of the house and just walked around a park to clear my thoughts a little. Cliche I know. But hell it worked. Doesn't completly make me feel 100% better but, you have to start somewhere. I sadly must admit it'll take awhile for this particular wound to heal. But, hopefully before we all know I will be back to my upbeat self in a little while. And now I understand why so many people don't take suicide lightly. It's amazing really how quickly a person can end Life. Throwing a precious life away is about the worst thing you can do to yourself and the people you love. But it does not make me hate him for what he has done. And I hope to the Gods he has found his happiness. And I hope I can live my life though it may end up being nothing I hope I can live it to the fullest and go through life. I know it'll be nowhere near a perfect or ideal one. I know I will have down moments and not want to et out of bed and face the sun. But, I will get through it I hope. . .And I hope if anyone has read this that has really truely deep down thought about cutting their life short. I try not to lechture you. But, I tell you this: Youm ay think what you are doing is best but it only hurts people makes them greive and in the process of ending your life you may take another life as well. . .You take away a smile on a hopeful face and make it hopless you turn an optomist to a pessamist. And all the world needs right now is more pessimists. Viewing the world half emty not half full. So I hope you don't think I'm sounding like a preecher. I'm far from it. And I'm most certianly not a Saint and never wish to be one. So thank you for reading.

I've had mixed emotions lately. And I really have no clue why...Well, there is the fact my best friend killed himself.

In this world everyday we hear about suicide, murder, rape. Usually we feel sorry for them and secretly wish it doesn't happen to you. But, when it does happen you think, "Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?" It may sound self centered to some if it hasn't happened to them. But, it's only human nature to ask why. To wonder why, to feel guilty you can't help it. And it makes me feel so pathetic that I can't help it. That I feel so helpless to what happened. It almost brings me to wonder if anyone would miss me when I'm gone. When I know people will miss me and people love me. Is it selfish to wonder what death feels like? To actually see this "OtherSide" everyone belives in. To prove them wrong or right yet never able to reveal the truth. . .I know I sound very dark right now. But, I can almost gurantee everyone of us has thought about these things at least once in their life or will. . .But, now that Death has taken my friend I hope he is happy. And I hope to Isis that he knows that many people miss him. And if their is "Another Life" that he will find happiness there because life here obviously didn't bring him that. And I do not ask of your pity. For I am shamed to even write these dark words. I never thought this subject would come up. . .Not to me at least. But, I suppose everyone is proven wrong. I'm still trying to cope with this great loss. It is a strange feeling sending your best friends ashes away on the Eastern Winds. . .That is what he wanted. . .

Well thank you to anyone who has read this. And I once again exuse my darkness. I sincerly apologize. . .I do.

No one's commented in a while. . .I've been feeling weird. . .

My totems haven't spoken to me for sometime. . .Maybe 1-2 weeks. . .This worries me. I wonder if I have disgraced them in any way. . .Blah I feel so like depressed but, I can't seem to see why. . .Nothing has really happened recentaly -.-; Meh

Comment 'cause I miss you people! ;0;

Yesh I know I haven't posted latly notin to post about. . .o.o; And plus been to busy/lazy. . .I prefer busy because it sounds better then lazy :D Lol. But I still l0ve you people now comment or DIE!. . .No just kidding X.X

But still as always comment if desired to do so. . .(FEAR MY BIG TALK)

:lol: I LURVE the beach whenever I'm bored (X.X even in winter. . .only without bathing suit) I go to the Buckroe Beach. . .It's the local beach around here I mean it is like 0 people on good days sometimes they cluster but I just kinda ignore it XD. . .I'm 'bout to go in 45 mins so this will be short sweet and to the point!

COMMENT. . .Because you lurv me :3

:shock: You think these gas prices could be any higher?! o.o; I mean I wouldn't be surprised it they get to be $5 a gallon. . .We're gonna go into a depression because of this hurricane Katrina. . .I mean sugar and coffee prices are already like high enough now they are gonna be raised. . .

And all this insanity in New Orlenes isn't exactly helping X.x; Those poor people at the Convention thing were only listening to what the government said and what do they do leave 'em behind. No food no water.

What really ticks me of about it is that they can take helicopters in to 'Oh so dangerous Iraq' and deliver stuff there but they won't do it to New Orlenes WTF?!? Bush is taking a HUGE blow from this crap. Good thing he can't even run again >:D Wuhahaha

Comment. . .I know you will. . .

:twisted: Wh00pah for me. . .Rain! For some odd reason I love rain. . .I play with my one cat Nari (Thunder in Jappanese) in the rain. She loves it! <3 I sit in the back yard while it is raining XD No coat or anything. . .And she will scratch at the door 'till I let her out. . .

And what's even weirder Water isn't my element x3 Oh well it's fun!

Comment once again if ya want! :3

=I I know I complain alot about my family. But I guess muh Blog is my venting spot.

Well I'm here to complain once more!!

My music they hate my music they won't even spare it a minuet.I would listen to their damned music all day if forced ('Cept that Christian crap XD)

Yeesh I mean I listen to a WIDE variety of stuff. . .like folklore,a LITTLE country,punk,metal,rock,c elitic,eygyptian,tecno. . .NOT hip hop/rap >:O Grr. . .

But I know not many people of their age like my music but at least respect it for what it is. . .

Comment if ya want =3

I live in V.A and this is the tourist season which is luckily soon over

But I'm still getting people asking for directions and where cheap hotels are. So for fun I point them in the direction of the more expensive ones XD

I know it's mean but they come to the house and knock on the door and sit there asking for directions. . .Bah. . .And people wonder why the Wolf is always telling me be social XD

Anyways comment if ya want =3

Ok. . .I'm gonna rip my hair out. . .All these people in my family. . .Racists they all are.

I say that my BEST FRIEND is half black half white they go all judgemental and they don't even know her. . .What the HELL?!?!

"Oh well she's gonna be a hooker and a slut. You should't hang around her" "Oh her race is a bad influence on you"

I hate it. And then my gramps' cousin sits there talking about how chicks shouldn't say "Fuck" and "Shit" What the hell? He said this "Well the feminist movment screwd all ladies over"  And "The 'blacks' have given us a bad influence" Yes I agree SOME are alittle. . .Well you know but I KNOW not all are like this. . .I have countless friends who are darker skinned and are respectful human beings.

Then my family goes to try and justify it by saying "Oh well that's how we were brought up" >:O Well it's called you could've thought differntly. Damn them all it's wrong and I hate it.

They even had the nerve to say "well the 'blacks' should still be enslaved by us the high archey!" -...-;

 :shock:

Please comment your thoughts on my very close minded situation

They, they say to say a prayer

a prayer or you sin

a sin

a wrong doing no one has control over

"He" he died for you

all your evils

all the evils that make you. You

all the darkness all the person in you

you say you don't belive in "Him" and "He"

they exile you to a place they call Hell

This firey pit of nothing they say

"Devil worshipper" "Satanist"

"No" this simple word they cannot comprehend

"No"

No I am not evil

No I do not worshp any "Him" or "He"

Or Satan or Devil

I belive in the very ground you taint

All the things you hate

This is me

All of me what I am

I dare not speak of it to unopen people

For I have been hurt by your unkindness all to many times

"You are evil" "Never step foot near a Cross or a Temple of Faith"

All these painful words and more

They crush all WE belive in

Not a cult

Not a crime

Yet you watch US with demon eyes of angst and anger

Yet all I want is to be me

To live FREE

---This is to any Christians or other faiths/religon's who look at another religon and say "Damn you for not beliving in US"

I wrote this as a Pagen a proud Pagen Wiccan too yes I belive in Mother Earth and no I do not belive in "God" and "Jesus"

All these thing these horrible things have been said about my faith and if I said these things about your god you would spite me. . .And yet I don't and you still spite me--- (Now I say this with all the energy in my soul "Not all Christians and or other Faith's are like this just a large mass and I'm very sorry if I have offended anyone")

I've been meditating on the Snow Leapord and the Bobcat. Because, they are very silent and intuitive creatures of the night and their cardinal direction is North and the Earth element is North. They have both also been calling me in my dreams and while I was a Camp this weekend I came face to face with a bobcat. So the bobcat has something to tell me. So I've been doing Snow leapord medicine and she told me to look deeper at some people.

Snow leapords and bobcats have the keen sense of sight so they can see things that a person is hiding or hear things someone isn't saying.

The wolf seems to be very quiet these days usually the wolf is yelling at me to be more social. . .I guess the bobcat is telling me to slump off now. . .Hmm

Well comment if ya want =p

:twisted: Lyyke my cousin is letting me borrow this Animal Totem book (Because I'm concentrating most of my energies there and into Earth Magick) BUT anyways It is called "Animal Speak"  By Ted Andrews.

It is very insightful yet easy to read for begginers it also gives info on how to honour your totem(s). And how to do simple medicines on your animal. And how to speak to it through meditation. It is very general sometimes and cannot hold all the animals we want it to. But it has a nice variety. It gives the "Keynote" and the "Cycle of Power" to you and on some a picture (Black and white)

So if you're intrested at all in animal Totemism you might wanna pick this book up. VERY nive indeed. :p

Once again PWEASE POST COMMENT =D

:D Wh00p33 I get to go to muh favorite spot on Earth! Brushwood Pagen Camp otherwise know as "Camp"

My cousin has been going there a year now and this is my second time there and to me it is the mos accepting place I have ever been in my life. It is in a very secluded place with a feild and a semi-small wooded area and a pond.

To some people Church is their place of acceptance. I always feel insecure in Churches and just about a month ago I found out why. . .It is because I am not and never will be Christian. I have never liked Churches. Not saying I hate Christians I have a hal Christian half Pagen friend and we both can respect each other. It is the people that can't accept it I try to. . .Avoid

But this Camp has a spiritual energy that is just. . .Well amazing. . .

Comment if ya want :3 Like I have said before. . .NO CRITISISING :p

Lyke? COMMENT PEAS

;0; Lyke dude. . .muh gramms won't lemme get muh red hair colour

"Well I wanna see your natural colour for a change -...-;" -Gramms

"It shall neva be tuh same colour!!" -Muh

And it's like only temporary stuff ;o; D<

It isn't even BRIGHT red it's like dark red like uh. . .dark red and semi blackish it ish like punk r0ck0r stuff. . .IT ISH AWSHUM. . .And muh gramps says FIIIINE you can get it and as s00n as I pick it up muh gramms has a heart attack.

She doesn't undestand why I do things like stay on the phone with my BEST FRIEND for hours because she moved 5 states away and that's the only way I can VENT! >O

And she doesn't understand why I am Pagen over Christian. . .Oh gee I wonder everytime I mention something about Nature or Her they just want to smack me with a bible. Yes the bible is a great STORY. . .But I wouldn't EVER base my life style and what I belive on it.

I respect the Christian culture but they can keep it I just wish they could respect my religon MY faith what I have chosen. But they just have to go and call Pagens baby eaters witches of black magic and evil people for loving Nature and all Her beauty

Well I got off subject. . .~*Vented without knowing*~ So like comment if you want =D -Me

:twisted: Lyyke wh00p I got arm socks! They are really actually called "Arm WArmers"  BUT STILL!! It is awshum duuude! They are lyyyke black n have silver ring on 'em

OH AND BY THE WAY COMMENT OR I SHALL EAT YOU!! whahahaha :p

>=O Grrr. . .I have no F****** idea why the hell I am pissed off but I am!

It might be the fact my E-mail is not working and it is like my LIFE.  Or it could be the morons of the world. Hell it could be because all some people do is SIT THERE NOT LISTENING TO A WORD YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE ACTUALLY TALKING SERIOUSLY ABOUT A SERIOUS THING >=I

~*GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRR*~

. . ..!!

. . .!!

~*Is about to kill next person that annoys me. . .Looks at sqweaky bird outside*~ . . .. .GRRR. . .

People of duh WEEERLD

<Clue>KAT!! You lyyyyke are. . .THERE. . .?-?;

<Kat/Me>Yes siree BobGeorge! ~*Sit-eths upon Monkey Rock*~

<Cookie Monster>THE 'MANDA ISH HEEEERE!! . . . Ouuuh Monkay Rock-ness-doodle. . . =D

<Clue>?-? What the werld is a Monkey Rock?!? ~*Eats. . .Something not usually eatable*~

<Kelsy>Liiike people ^..- What be upperz?! ~*Pops up outta nowhere*~ @...@;

[END]

. . .

. . .

. . .

<Kat/Me>WHAT KINDA STORY WAS THAT?!

<Clue>?---?; Duuuuuh

<Manda>o.o? ;0; What kinda part only says ONE liiiiiiiiiiiiine?!?!?!?!?

<Kelsy>~*Puts hand over screen*~ . . .Wait this isn't a movie?

<Me/Kat>YES IT IS. . .

~~*~Screen gets bumped. . .Camera falls over~*~~

<Clue>HHHHH MY BUUUTT!!!

~~*~Blackout~*~~

---All--- 'N' THATS THE END OF OUR SHOW!!! SMACK

 You know what really ticks the crap outta me?!

Well it's my grandpa's buddy -...- He thinks I know nothing and like completly ignores every word I say taking it as an infants babble! >:O I mean jeeze you sit there being 40 years old asking questions to me and my grandpa. And when my grandpa can't answer and I can you sit there ignoring me >:0 What the f0000000k!??! Grrr. . .I hate people like that I really do. And every word outta his mouth is either against my opinon or just plain RETARDED! And whenever I try to explain that he's completly wrong he sits there saying to my grandpa that I should hold my tounge and respect my elder. WELL SCREW YOU I WAS RESPECTING YOU UNTILL YOU PISSED ME OFF!! >:I

. . .Ba-hum-bug. . .I needed somewhere to vent my anger. Post if you'd like. :D ~*Cringe*~

Last night I talked to my cousin and grandma. They were talkig about miracles or strangness in our family line. Like (Now this is from what my grandma told me about my great great grandfather) He could predict things through (To him and most of my family. . .Not me. . .Being Pagen) God. He was what some people called a Prophit. . .Did he think that. . .No. He thought he was given a gift from God and that he had to use it. So he began inturpreting Bibles and mailing them. No one in my family knew where it was he would send them but they were sent. He even prophisised his own death.

Now the really weird thing is. Now almost 30 yrs after his death (Which was a heart attack at the end of the driveway at my grandmas place with her twin sister and it was at  their feet that he collapsed) My cousin,my grandma and grandpa and me went on this trip out west to Vegas and stuff. But my grandpa has many health issues and he had a heart attack a year before the trip. But he had altitude sickness above 4,000 feet and we stopped at a rest stop in Colorado and he collapsed at me and my cousins feet.And the really scary thing is my grandma was the same age as me when it happened to her.

Now I'm not saying you have to belive this but alot of weird and unexplanible things happen in my family and I belive it is not God but it is the Spirits of our Ancsetors and of Mother Earth and Her power. Not saying things don't happen to other people just weeeerid things happen to us.

:x Never play duh Mini-Golf wiff your great aunt your cousin, and a 2yr old and a 6yr old @...,o; The insanity. . .!!

I was either gonna rip my cousins head off 'cause she was baby talking and it was annoying the crap outta me. Or KILL the lil squirts for whinning and crying AND MESSING ME UP >:O ;o; The me-ness nu likey bein' messered uperz! >:I